It was always enough
June 2019. It’s a boy.
Rachel Somerstein, author of Invisible Labor: The Untold Story of the Cesarean Section, wrote that you never forget your birth story. Each moment of my first labor, every decision made, has been etched into my memory.
I wish I could look back at my birth story and feel overcome with only joy, the way I had planned. The surrender of my striving, as I sunk deep into each wave of contraction. The intimacy and calm of my husband’s voice as it filled our candlelit hospital room. The overwhelming prompting, a surge of knowing, to bare down and push. The way my son’s cries faded as he was brought to my skin. The rhythm of his breath as he settled into a colostrum sleep. I long for those memories to take up more space but my birth story has been vandalized.
Every beautiful and profoundly vulnerable moment of my first birth will forever be shadowed by the crumbling of my birth plan and the cascade of interventions that followed. The blind trust I carried into a medical institution, the lack of knowledge I had about my rights and advocacy. I wanted to labor my way. I was convinced to doubt myself, my body, and the intuitive connection I had build with my baby.
I was lured into the belief that my body was not enough.
Not strong enough, not relaxed enough, not capable enough. Not reliable enough. But my body is enough.
It was enough to allow for fertilization. It was enough to endure 17 weeks of non stop puking. It was enough to create 50% more blood volume. It was enough to create an entire organ and then expel said organ after birth (hello placenta, you beautiful thing). It was enough to rip the abdomen muscles apart to make space for a gigantic belly. It was enough to create a food source for another living thing. It was enough to create and sustain a 8 lb, 15oz human being.
My body will always be enough, period. And so will your. No matter the richness of your melanine. No matter the lineage of your ancestors. No matter the type of birth you want to have.
No matter how many pregnancy tests have come back negative.
No matter if you’ve lost a baby or let one go.
Your body will alway be enough. There is nothing wrong with you. PERIOD.
Stand strong and confidently my friend. You are certainly enough.
My first birth is what fuels my passion to support other people on the perinatal journey. Support in the way of knowledge sharing, advocating, nurturing, coaching, planning, holding space for joy and grief.
For me, creating a birth plan was only half of the work. Knowing how to protect the plan and manage disappointment was the other. If you or someone you know needs support in any of these areas (planning, advocacy, counseling), I’d love to connect.
